Gripping Fear and Letting Go

So I had a two week break without writing, which I feel a bit guilty about. But then again it was Spring Break and I am entitled to some type of relaxing. But today I cease the ceasing.

On Friday I revisited a past fear with my friend Cara: rock climbing. I've had a thing against rock climbing since Middle School when I took it for a P.E. class back when I lived in France. French schools have a very different program when it comes to physical activity. A lot more diverse and hands on than America. Over the three years I spent going to a French school I took ping pong, swimming, wrestling (mixed with girls and guys), ping pong again, ribbon twirling (I'm not joking), soccer, track, volleyball, ping pong once more, gymnastics, badminton, rock climbing, and then a bit more ping pong. Of all these sports, rock climbing and ping pong were the ones that irked me. I could never advance all the way up the walls, and I could never advance very far in the ping pong tournaments.

Naturally, I felt inadequate and insecure during those classes, and those feelings have stuck with me anytime I do those activities. Every time I play ping pong I get a nervous chin twitch. And when I went rock climbing Friday, I felt the same nervous insecurity as I gripped onto those silly colored rocks, halfway up the wall and unable to bear on. I am proud in myself in that I made it up two different courses (one I did twice), but they were the lowest level. I did attempt to do a higher level, but came right back down from that one.

There's something about getting stuck up there on that wall... I grip onto the rocks, up against a wall, unable to pull my own weight, struck with panic and anxiety. It's as if I'm in a metaphor. A depressing yet beautiful metaphor. The panic and anxiety is completely unpractical and illogical (check out The Logical Song by Supertramp, by the way, it's a great 80s hit), yet there it is. All entangled in me. And I'm not afraid of heights. That's not the problem. I would get the same bit of anxiety if I were to play ping pong. And that's as about as a low a sport as you can get, besides limbo.

I must seem an unstable girl, but I assure you, I function just fine. I didn't cry or freak out when I was rock climbing, except internally. I manage my crazy so it doesn't seem that bad. Impression management is a big deal for me, as for the rest of the majority of the human race. There was no way I'd have mental breakdown in front of the whole gym. I get enough weird looks simply explaining this odd emotional experience to my friends.